Only now do I see it all clear
Since I've passed the age you were then:
Your moral ambiguity around certain literary figures
Where maybe there shouldn't have been
Your ivory milquetoast daydreams of revolution
For which you also skewered yourself
So none could call you humorless or un-self aware
Even while pledging allegiance to self over all
And that one song - a contrived ode
That contrasted male and female reasons for cheating -
I felt uncomfortable singing
(I know now) 'cos it was mired in the binary
(Somehow the song where you spoke as a drag queen
Didn't make up for that, in fact
Now that I think on it
Your self-congratulation
Detracted from it mightily)
And all of a sudden I also get why my mother
Was annoyed at your leaving some of your gear
In my possession for years
Like of course I'd keep it for you
Though your wealth bought more square footage than I'll ever own
Back then I sang and sang in chorus with you
Thinking I agreed
Not realizing I didn't
A strange songbird more full-throated
And lower-voiced than you
But what I also hear in your old recordings
Is the creeping of a fear I am only starting to know
As my thirties narrow to a pinhole
credits
from Best Dead Masterpiece,
released February 12, 2021
Lyrics and Music by L. Alexandra Manuel
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